Wednesday, November 9, 2011

I feel hopeful and excited.  Honestly, it isn't consistent but I am surprised at the instances that I feel this way.  Everything is still moving on a path towards something better than what I've been living and so I'm relieved that I'm not a complete disaster right now.  The boy and I broke up last week and so I've been in and out of every emotion imaginable.  Pretty healthful and productive ending to the relationship though and we both acknowledge that we still care for each other--that it just isn't working for me the way it is right now and that I'm not willing to continue in this dynamic that is leaving me so unfulfilled... at least not for the time being.  Maybe when he comes back from abroad something will work out.  In the meantime though I've decided to take my life forward--on all fronts.  And of course.. that's scary as hell.

I'm grateful though (SO incredibly grateful) for my friends right now.  I have a tendency to forget how supportive and loving they are and not be able to acknowledge it when I'm hurting.  They've been so good to me right now in a quiet patient sort of way.  I think they all thought I should back up from this relationship for a while and I know that many of them have been concerned for me (maybe a bit too much so actually... I do know when enough is enough even if I wait until the very last moment to walk away).  Over the last week they have all stepped up to just be there quietly for me while I futz through these new feelings I'm having.  I feel their presence and it has helped immensely.  It's an amazing sort of "alone" that we feel when we let something go that we wanted to make work so badly.  But the feelings of loss have been tempered by the presence of care that I'm receiving from people who are here for me when I reach out and who are there for me when I don't also.

Last weekend I flew a plane.  This was my little sister's birthday present to me.  It took us a while to schedule it but after everything it happened on the absolute best possible weekend.

What an amazing feeling!  My instructor (R) went over the controls and some of the instruments.  Then he had me taxi up to the runway--this is difficult to do.  I felt like I was trying to play MarioKart.  You know how you can never seem to go straight?  Well, so we did that, then he helped steer while I took off from the runway.  Amazing.  Absolutely amazing.  I have always loved flying--it is quite simply one of my favorite things to do.  And taking off?  More so.  We practiced turns up in the air.  Banking right and banking left.  Then he helped me land.  R kept apologizing for the clouds.  I'm not sure if flying is different on a clear day but I love clouds.  It was hard to articulate to him how perfect flying was in the clouds.  We'd fly through clear patches and dodge the puffs of white and gray.  It was bliss.

Monday I went to the Jack's Mannequin concert here in San Francisco.  There are few artists that I want to see live.  Jack's Mannequin was easily at the top of the list.  Again, this happened at just the right time and I went with my good friend K.  It was magic.  Because I go to so few shows I feel like I really experience them in a sort of childlike way.  The experience was beyond visceral and thanks to my girl we smooshed our way through the crowd all the way to the front; just about four people away from Andrew himself.

So, this is where I am at now... I avoided my appointment with my potential new therapist.  I didn't feel comfortable with her and so I canceled.  It helps that I'm so busy.  I was concerned about canceling last week because I've been feeling so down lately but I think that things are steadily improving into what feels like a great place.  I'm keeping myself social, dreaming about grad school, getting ready to sign a year lease on the cutest apartment on the planet.  Things are good.  There's a background of heartache but in a way, that's what makes the good moments really feel good. 

I'll try to get my entries back to being a little bit more focused here in a while.  Maybe longer entries about specific outings or accomplishments.  For now, I'm just happy to get something down here...



No One Important said...

Hi there...

I know you from a very long time ago. If you knew who I was I doubt you'd want to talk to me, and that is fine and completely understandable.

I'm afraid to talk to you anyway.

I guess I was just curious how you were doing these days... I hope that isn't too "creepy" of me.

Despite how depressing some of your words seem to be, you sound overall happier than I am. I'd have to say you sound like you are doing better in life than me, that's for sure.

Oh, and I wanted to say I'm sorry for screwing things up so badly back then and causing you unnecessary stress. I lacked self control and I acted stupidly and selfishly. You needed a friend and I failed miserably in that department.

No need to reply and I'll never say anything to you again if you don't want me to. Just don't say anything back if you don't wish to... I'm not sure what else I'd have to say to you now anyways.

Although, I do wonder if you even remember me though... Not sure why you suddenly popped into my mind this morning.

Anyways, good luck in your current and future endeavors.

Nattielu said...

It has taken me a while to decide whether or not to respond to you or not. I'm not entirely sure who you are but I have a fairly good idea. I've narrowed it down to two people but either way, it is likely best to leave the past in the past. If I haven't kept in touch with you and that was as a result of stress or an altercation then I do wish for it to remain this way. My life is good and I am happy and I don't wish to look back or open up any wounds that have long since healed.

I hope that you find happiness in your life somewhere down the line--just keep believing in yourself and doing what honors what you believe in. If you are who I think you are (name starting with either T or A) then I definitely wish you the best and only send out good positive caring vibes. But, I also definitely hope that you can respect that I am asking you not to contact me anymore. I am, on some level, grateful that you reached out, but only to say that I wish you the best.