Santa Cruz

A few weeks ago a friend and I ventured off to Santa Cruz re-exploring some of the university romping grounds and then driving up the One to sit on the rocks above a beach watching two couples trying to fly their kites in the 'too windy' weather.  Then we walk along a railroad to where an old train sat (waiting?) alone.

Weekends like that remind me of all of the projects and aspirations I'd like to be achieving.  And, in comparison to the Monday through Friday 8-5 work schedule, I'm reminded how much I feel like I'm not achieving.  It's been a few weeks and I'm trying to keep myself active in my spare time, doing things that I find rewarding and fulfilling for myself.  It simultaneously makes my job more and less bearable.

I've been taking some strides to improve my situation finally. I'm attending financial planning class once a week and I'm beginning to feel a little bit less like the lack of money is the controlling factor in my life right now.  I've saved a little bit of money and it's the first time I can every say I've held on to money for this long (two weeks) without the compulsion to spend it.  Granted I gave the money to someone I trust to hold on to but I'm feeling more and more confident that I'll be able to create my Emergency Savings Fund and then continue to progress through the steps that are set in front of me.

In facing the money issue once and for all I've realized fairly clearly that my idea of "focus" over the last several years (focus on work, focus on making money, focus on paying the debt) was no more than fear.  Fear that kept me running in a hamster wheel with no tangible progress to show to anyone.  Finally noticing this pattern has been big for me.  I feel like a floodgate has been opened and all of a sudden I want to be doing all of these things that I never gave myself permission to want to do previously--either because I was telling myself I couldn't be successful at it or that I wouldn't like it, etc.

Maybe I sound a twinge "self-help" but I'm glad for this small shift and am happy to slowly be inching into a better direction towards my own life.  I would like to write more.  Yesterday I suddenly felt that writing has been very absent lately and so I think I'll make an effort to do that more.  Maybe I'll schedule some specific time once a week to blog and some other time to write poetry or start on memoir sketches.

Namaste.