Expansion

Very difficult week.  It's hard to let things go that I've wanted so badly to work and then to deal with that along with money issues, some stress around other people's well-being and a sick kitty.  Needless to say I'm ready for some simplicity for  a couple of days. 

I've realized the following this week:

I want for you to be so happy, so calm and so comforted with security that you can go and do whatever it is you want to do with your life and feel supported and loved.  I hope you find this in your life.

I wish it for myself too.  For everyone I know and for every good person out there in this world (for the not so good ones too--really for everyone but especially for the good people). 

I feel as if my life is expanding exponentially in multiple different directions.  I can feel growth and know the true meaning of the term "growing pains."  The expansion is accompanied by stress, pain, fear, concern.  But, I can feel myself strengthening and opening to possibilities, to my own self worth, to pieces of me that I'd buried out in order to avoid dealing with reality.

So this week, while it has felt devastating in so many ways has also shown me a new courage.  I had four or five things that felt like they urgently required my financial attention, one after the other after the other (coolant for car, then the gas pedal didn't respond, then my medication is way more than I can afford on this month's budget, then my glasses broke, then my kitty got sick).  First half of the week I muddled through in a state of panic but I was able to manage each situation without delving into my hard earned and saved money.   Still strapped and still stressed about how to deal with the issues in the longer term but progress.

In doing this I feel more empowered to stick with this saving goal and to continue to expand in different directions.  This week also I'm completing a writing project (will post a blog), tidying a disaster of a room (it mirrors my emotional state) which I began overhauling last weekend, beginning the brainstorms of my memoir, and being social.  I've picked up meditation, am continuing my finance class and I find myself constantly looking for more ways to keep DOING.  Not as an escape but I'm literally excited for the first time in years at the prospect of what I'm capable of doing.  Not in a godly or pretentious sense of course but as a healthy human.  I wish this for you.  Who knows how  many people function just below this realm of "I'm really ALIVE."

So, Monday of this week, as I was wallowing in my pity-party a beautiful dove and her partner chose my office balcony to make a nest (will take good pictures and post in a blog entry).  Cute little story that I want to post next.  She is absolutely sweet and her partner has been so concerned and caring of her.  I think today she laid her eggs because she hasn't left her nest at all.  She readjusts but nothing more.  She's brought me an immense feeling of calm and an ongoing reverberation of love.  I feel very much like a hippy but really, seeing something as sweet as two loving doves create a home and a family is inspiring in a way that no man-made object has ever been.  It's uplifting.

The doves and the new life they are bringing fills me with a sense of compassion towards myself and the frustrations I'm feeling towards other people in my life.  I'm not entirely sure why.

I hope to post about the doves move onto my balcony this weekend or maybe next week.  I also want to start posting about some of my projects so that this blog starts taking more shape than just my puffy little clouds of thought.  There is enough padding with posts now to really delve into the details of what I find beautiful.

The photo is from a hike I did with a friend a few weeks ago up on Grizzly Peak.  Gorgeous during Spring.

Namaste.