San Diego. I've been here since Friday midday. Little blue rental car, uncharacteristically (but expected) cold weather, some rain, good food and adorable man. I'm in a small coffee shop that looks a bit like a house, with a deck that wraps around it. The walls are a deep red and it's dimly lit except for the bright blue daylight pouring in from all of the windows. It's breezy outside but warmer than it's been in a few days. I came from the beach and so I feel very much like I'm back in Santa Cruz. The coffee shop is reminiscent of Pergolessi in downtown.
The last day in San Diego always makes me sad and preemptively nostalgic. Sadness and the feeling of missing something is so present for me all of the time. But San Diego offers me such a comforted feeling even though here, in this coffee shop, I feel alone and the city is expansive and I know almost no one and I know only one person well... still, I feel comforted. I don't feel that pang of loneliness that I so often feel at home. I wonder if it might be different if I came to live here. Would that lonely feeling follow me even though I don't feel lonely right now? I'm less alone at home.
I spent this morning looking for a beach side coffee shop. I got close, just two blocks from the beach there is this highly reviewed little hole-in-the-wall shop called Pacific Bean. They're known for their mochas but I bought a latte. It was good. I listened to three middle aged men right out front speak Italian and in English about Italy and the differences between it and America. I wrote in my journal and after an hour and a half or maybe two--after I'd said everything that my sleepy mind was spinning on--I wandered off and drove until I found a parking spot by one of those stair wells down to the beach. I adore those big wooden staircases to the sandy openness. The expanse of the ocean never fails to bring me into a sort of centered quiet. It's huge in comparison to everything, larger than all worries, all stresses, all fears.
Stilettos don't lend themselves to beach stairs or beaches and so shoes in hand I made my way down to an almost empty beach where I sat and read On the Road for a few hours. I watched two groups of men play in the ocean--childlike--and was approached by a boy who thought he'd try his hand at being manly by flirting. More reading and then I wandered back to my car.
The last day in San Diego always makes me sad and preemptively nostalgic. Sadness and the feeling of missing something is so present for me all of the time. But San Diego offers me such a comforted feeling even though here, in this coffee shop, I feel alone and the city is expansive and I know almost no one and I know only one person well... still, I feel comforted. I don't feel that pang of loneliness that I so often feel at home. I wonder if it might be different if I came to live here. Would that lonely feeling follow me even though I don't feel lonely right now? I'm less alone at home.
I spent this morning looking for a beach side coffee shop. I got close, just two blocks from the beach there is this highly reviewed little hole-in-the-wall shop called Pacific Bean. They're known for their mochas but I bought a latte. It was good. I listened to three middle aged men right out front speak Italian and in English about Italy and the differences between it and America. I wrote in my journal and after an hour and a half or maybe two--after I'd said everything that my sleepy mind was spinning on--I wandered off and drove until I found a parking spot by one of those stair wells down to the beach. I adore those big wooden staircases to the sandy openness. The expanse of the ocean never fails to bring me into a sort of centered quiet. It's huge in comparison to everything, larger than all worries, all stresses, all fears.
Stilettos don't lend themselves to beach stairs or beaches and so shoes in hand I made my way down to an almost empty beach where I sat and read On the Road for a few hours. I watched two groups of men play in the ocean--childlike--and was approached by a boy who thought he'd try his hand at being manly by flirting. More reading and then I wandered back to my car.
I made my way to this little coffee shop, that the Boy recommended to me, called Krakatoa and ate a delicious little turkey sandwich with chipotle mayo, onions and tomatoes. Every time I come to San Diego I'm immersed in this amazing world of food indulgences that I don't allow a space for back home. I'm coming to see that a lot of my every day reality is more about fretting about finances than about organizing my life around getting stable enough to allow myself a space to enjoy my surroundings. Having the Boy in my reality or even just new friends who inspire me to try new things has been good for me. It's helping me grow in calmer directions. The weekend has been full of positive reinforcements but also it's been full of sudden daunting realizations about my innate lack of self security. It's such a good indication to me that I have a lot of work to do just on my side to ensure that my relationships continue to grow in positive ways. Work with trust, with openness, with being brave, with looking at things objectively.
Always room for growth and awareness.
Namaste.
No comments:
Post a Comment