Raspberry Sherbet

2012: New Year...

2012-01-02T13:21:00.000-08:00

It has been a year since I started this blog. Looking back on my first two entries in 2011 I've found myself surprised that I basically got everything I hoped for during the year. It's hard to see it in the moment and I suppose that's the power of reflection.

Last year I said, "If I concentrate on the things that I find satisfying and if I persevere at making those things the focal point of my time then it will lead me in the right direction. It will help me to become the change I wish to see in my life and it will keep my soul positive and hopeful through the process," and hoped for "financial stability, emotional security, renewed hope and passions towards creativity and for the continued essence of love in everything we do." I am blessed that so much of what I had hoped for persisted throughout my year even when I wasn't feeling strong or competent. I managed to get all the way through the financial class I took and it has provided me with some solid financial stability. Emotional security? As much as that's possible I feel like I've come a ways with being able to communicate and feel less daunted by new people and confronting uncomfortable situations.. I've learned a little something about resourcing myself in difficult moments. Lots of creativity over the last year. And no lack of love: inner or outward; given or received.

For this year I guess it's more of a similar vein. I'm wishing for everyone and for myself when I lay it out... I want us to be physically healthier. I want us to be emotionally warmer. I want us to be spiritually full. I want us to continue on a happy and/or calm contented trajectories. I want us to be brave, honest and open. I want us to be adventurous. I want us to accept and bolster our inner children.

I have some concrete desires for this year too and the list seems to lengthen every time I think about it. I want to have beautiful experiences with the people in my life. I want to create more and share those creations. I'll have to write the list later...

To all of you, may you have a beautiful, wonderful, expansive, loving and acceptance filled year.

Namaste.

How To: Christmas Tree!

2011-12-08T10:19:00.001-08:00

My favorite time of the year is the holiday season--particularly December because I get to spend a lot of creative energy making my space look cozy and Christmas-y. This tutorial is for a Christmas tree and I'm sure you could use it for any sort of tree decorating idea. I'm not religious so there won't be any really religious overtones here. I'm also not that into reindeer, elves and Santa items so you'll see that also as you go through here. I will give you options for how to incorporate religious or Santa things into your tree. Good luck and I hope this is helpful! This is my first "how to" post so if you read through and like it (or think there is something I could do better) please let me know!

First things first: You need a tree!
If you've gone through the process of buying a tree before feel free to skip this part and go to next step: trimming and lighting. This may be my favorite part of the whole process.

Picking your tree: HEIGHT: Measure where you are putting your tree (or at least do a really good job at eyeballing it. If you're in doubt lean towards a smaller tree. You can ALWAYS find wooden boxes to stack your tree on or hang lights and garland from your ceiling to fill in space. I like my tree to go up about to a foot to two feet from the ceiling (at it's highest point). Remember that your tree stand is going to take up some space. I think most ceilings are about eight feet tall. The tree in this tutorial is a five footer. FATNESS: Decide based on your space and style if you want a fatty or a skinny tree. I like the fatties, I think they look more cozy and less commercial--although I do know over the last couple of years the popular trend is to go skinny. REAL OR FAKE?! I like real because they smell better, they feel better, and in my opinion they look better. A fake tree offers a lot of advantages though: they are cheaper in the long run, they don't have bald spots, they don't shed and they are exactly the same year after year. If you're getting an artificial tree same thing goes: height and fatness--you also have to think about lit or pre-lit. Although unless you're going with colored lights I'd say get a pre lit tree. Why bother with extra pieces if you're trying to go easy. If you like stringing lights (it's my least favorite part) then by all means, don't get a pre-lit. TYPE OF TREE: OK, so this probably should go before "fatness" but at least you'll be in the right section of the tree lot (most people separate the trees by height). I can only talk solidly about two types of tree: Douglas Fir or Spruce.

Douglas Fir: Darker, richer green color. Softer pine needles. The branches are flimsier overall (this is really important to think about depending on the ornaments you have or intend to buy).
Spruce: Lighter green, funkier shaped branches (the pine needles have a pretty awesome prong shaping). The needles are stiffer and pokier and I dislike being stabbed and scratched by my tree so I'm liking my Douglas Fir this year. But, it has a really good shape and structure to it. Better for heavier ornaments

If you've never bought a tree before you'll want to be able to tell the people what kind of tree stand you have. I have one with a spike that goes into the bottom of the tree so I have to remember to tell the tree lot attendants that I need a hole drilled in the bottom of my tree (some places don't do this). Some people have tree stands that have little clamps that screw tighter around the base of the tree--no drilled hole necessary. Make sure your tree attendants cut off the very bottom of the trunk, this will help the tree absorb water when you fill up the bowl and it that will keep it greener for longer (and less of a fire hazard). Have them net your tree if you're putting it on your car and bring a tarp or blanket to put between the tree and the car or you will scratch your paint. They'll tie it down for you, etc. They basically do everything to get you off the lot and to your house with a happy little tree.

Once you have your tree at home get it in the stand as quickly as possible, put it where it's going and give it water. It will start to seal up where the fresh cut was right away so you want it in water (just like fresh cut flowers).

PART TWO: Trimming and lighting.

So, now you have your little tree hanging out in your living room. Turn it until you have the best face forward (most trees have bald spots, holes, burned/dried out areas). If you put your tree up against a wall this saves on lighting and decoration expenses because no one will see the back and so you don't have to deck it all out. If you're putting your tree in the middle of a room or against a window you'll need to take this into account when buying decorations. I light and trim my tree at the same time because the lighting helps me see the shape and my vision for the tree.

Lighting: You will need two strings of light for a five foot tree if you're only lighting about 3/4ths of it. You may need one more string if you are doing the back also. If you want rainbow lights those are pretty awesome too. Same rules--I just like white. Take your string of lights and start at the bottom. Make sure your cord can plug in (I do this with the lights plugged in so I can see where I am placing everything it also ensures that I don't pull the cord out of reach of the socket. Work your way across the visible part of the tree and a little further beyond, bring the light string up and make your way back around until you reach the top of the tree or the end of the strand. Plug in a new strand and stick the unlighted cording as far back into the tree as possible. Bring the lights back where you left off (last lit bulb) and keep going--we don't want big unnecessary gaps in lighting. Once you're out of lights take a step back and use a phone camera (or any camera without great clarity) and take a picture from as far back as possible. The picture will give you a good indication of where holes in lighting are (and holes in the tree). Fix what you can by pulling the lights over to that space. But, remember, pulling lights out of one spot will create holes in other spots. Also remember, some bald spots are OK because you have decorations you'll want to add in and it's nice to have some "canvas" for that.

Trimming: Once you've lit your tree and taken the picture it should be pretty evident where you're lopsided and or uneven (with regards to trimming). You may have already hacked off a couple of really obvious spots. I took some off the bottom before lighting but basically grab a pair of good sheers/scissors/knife (be careful) and trim the bottom so you have eight to ten inches of space under the tree--even all around. This will make your tree more symmetrical and it will allow you to show off your tree skirt or those great gifts underneath. If your tree is lopsided, don't fret. find an old book (dictionary, little journals) or a block and rest it under the leg that needs to be hoisted up. Do this carefully if you have already put water in the tree's bowl. And, SAVE what you cut off your tree, you can use it as decoration somewhere else (mine is on the mantel but you can also use it in anywhere else (on the back of the toilet or on the bathroom counter, in your kitchen, tacked along your balcony railing, etc. I might make a post on how to do this so it doesn't look shoddy too.... we'll see. If I don't and you're curious, just ask).

THIRD: Decorations:

At this point there is so much you could do with your tree. I'm not big on stereotypical commercial Christmas or religious icons so I went warm and wintery. Here is what is on my tree:

8-12 pine cones
4 small flower sprigs (cream/off-white)
3-4 white/cream magnolia sprigs with cream berries
2 cream and glitter magnolia sprigs with red berries
5-6 red berry sprigs
1 long thing of bronze tulle cut up in pieces (anywhere from six inches squared to 1.5' squared--squared is approximate. Some of the pieces are large triangles or rectangles.... Doesn't matter how you cut them as long as they are pretty sizable but not gigantic)

So, depending on your own personal style you may have Christmas ball decorations, or items your children have made, or any other sort of decoration. I like themed so if you're doing it that way think in terms of two to three (magnolias, berries, pine cones). Those three are your focal points, if you have too much going on you'll lose the simplicity. If you're working on Christmas balls pick three sizes (small, medium, large--but not GIANT unless you can really make it work. That probably means resting one under the tree and or buying a huge tree). If you're using a mix of decorations or things your children made then don't worry about minimizing the "clutter" of different types of ornaments.

For any tree style: separate out your items into sizes AND types or colors (whatever stands out the most). Mine are separated by type.

I don't use garland but if you do this needs to go on after lights but before decorations. It is REALLY hard to put garland or lights on after decorations so don't forget (I've done it). Put them on the same way you put the lights on. If it's thin and shiny garland put it close to the lights. If it's fat, heavy, non reflective garland space it between and/or below the lights so you don't block them out.

OK, now start with your largest ornaments. I have about six big sprigs and I place them on first--I start by doing my topper and then place one towards the bottom of the tree, then the middle, then the other side, etc until they are all placed (think like you're jumping to opposite empty spaces). Next, take your medium size (I do my small flowers next). Do the same thing but try to keep 6 inches or so from any large item and a two feet or so from any medium size. Same idea: opposite empty spaces. Try to stay off the same "line" of branches with any item otherwise it'll look like you just placed things in rows. You want it to look spontaneous (even though it is completely not). Next, reach for your smallest items (in my case these are the red berry sprigs because the BERRIES are small--not necessarily the sprigs. If you look at your tree from a distance you'll get a good idea of where you need to fill things in. Do this a lot: back up and take a look. Move pieces if you feel like you're missing a big space. Some of the little ornaments can go closer together and some farther apart. Since the main big pieces of your tree are done this will just fill in and it isn't as hard to be "spontaneous." I try to keep about three to four inches between any small item though.

Pine cones and tulle (loose tinsel). You may not have pine cones depending on what you're doing. You can treat them as a medium size ornament if you want but I like to keep them until last and stick them in any residual bald spots I might have. These guys are a PAIN if you're putting tulle in also--just be patient, they stick to the tulle and you'll have to pry them apart if you don't like how they look and need to reshape. I also use the pine cones to wedge up branches that I want a little bit higher up. They're natural and so they don't stand out much at all. Kind of like little surprises that people may or may not notice--but when people notice them I always get compliments so I stick with them. I buy unscented but they sell scented ones (watch out for the oil, it sticks to everything and stings if you get it in your eyes). Tulle and loose tinsel are last and fun. For tulle... take a corner of one of your chopped up pieces and stick your arm into the tree where you want the tulle (bald spots or under/around your large ornaments or sprigs), let go, pull your arm out being careful not to pull the tulle out too. (If you have a LOT of smaller ornaments then you may want to cut long narrow strips of tulle and stick them in so that there are just points of sparkle coming out of your tree. I use big sprigs and sizable flowers so I want so volume to the tulle.) With loose tinsel you want to take a small pinch and either toss it at your tree or set it on the edge of the branches. You may need to do some readjusting if you're tossing (the stuff is very light and so it doesn't always come down perfectly). I'm not a huge fan of the loose tinsel because I find it complicated but if you've got a good eye for it you can make it look amazing.

Last touches: if you have a tree skirt you can put it on at the beginning or at the end. I wait until the end because I don't want to step all over the skirt while I'm fussing with the tree. I use a dark green sheet. Use your tree trimmings to either decorate your mantel (see picture) or to fill in more gaps on the tree. From there, you're done!

Unfortunately my camera battery is dead so I couldn't take a great picture of the tree with lighting but this is it more or less. I have a teeny little Santa's Village underneath my tree now (which I inherited from my grandmother). You can stack presents, or even old books would look nice. It just depends on your style and the look you're going for.

Namaste and Happy Holidays, Everyone!

Gratitudes

2011-12-01T09:38:00.001-08:00

Most years, in November, I manage to send little cards to people I am grateful for. This year for whatever reason I've been lagging behind and never got around to even buying the paper. So, in honor of that tradition I'm going to do one big old "gratitude" to everyone here publicly.

I have a lot to be grateful for. This last year has really continued to try my commitment to moving my life forward. I feel like every few weeks I hit a crossroads where I was given the choice: do you go back and get depressed and stay in that zone where you're safe but totally and completely unhappy and not really living OR do you suck it up, get in touch with all of your negative, scared, hopeful emotions, reach out and ask for help and/or support and trudge forward with a resolve to be better, happier and more OK and accepting and appreciative of who you really are? It's not an easy choice. Again and again though I've been reminded by the people who care about me that I am supported and I am loved even with all of my capacities to mess things up, my propensity fumbling what I mean to say into an inarticulate mess (or not saying it at all), or for shying away from making solid committed choices. You all are so hugely part of who I am because you all accept who I am even before I've been able to accept it. You all are the stepping stones and the companions who are walking with me from point A to point Z (every step of the way included).

A short list of specifics...

1. There is this girl who was my therapist for quite some time over the course of the last year. With her, we focused on ideas of communication in relationships and at work, self valuation and self advocation, my issues with family, feelings around my support systems, money, and fears. She may have single-handedly shifted so much of my perspective over the past year. It was through my weekly talks with her that I feel I was really able to access the part of me that could take a step forward in so many different directions. I know that she will continue to make hugely positive impacts on the people she works with in the future. I hope that she realizes her capacity for remarkable good.

2. The boy with whom I shared so much of myself over the last year. Things change and life drags us in different directions. For better or worse, I'm grateful for the growth, the trust and the hope that we created in the face of huge distance and adversity. I believe that you will have everything that you want in life some day. I'm grateful for what you've given me.

3. For soul families who love unconditionally and offer unwavering positive support. For those who never tell me "I told you so," and only ever offer a cheerful path to move forward.

4. To my girls who bless my life in different capacities, always. A: for undying optimism, donuts, wishes and dreams and the expansive healing of viewing life through the veil of art, creation and love; K: for the real nitty gritty of life with an ounce of humor, perspective and a big glass of wine (and for amazing hair to get me through the worst of moments with just a shred of dignity); E: for stability, composure and perpetual selflessness, for your ability to make small things into incredibly huge and loving gestures, for your capacity to remind me what passion is over and over again through your very amazing commitment to all things green; J: for conversations and support about everything, for friendship through distance, for excitement towards all of life's little adventures; J: for creative expansion and a the embodiment of beauty and the inner child...

5. To my guys who offer consistent, solid proof that there are really good guys out there in this world... J, for constant friendship in the face of distance, an ever present soundboard, for a wonderfully unabashed sense of humor and outward optimism and for humility through it all; G: for always, always, always being honest and there; another G: for proof that friendships continue on regardless of distance and time apart and for food...particularly noodles; L, for being a brother who unconditionally supports me, even at my craziest...

6. The poets on facebook. Hard to put this one into words but I am grateful for the inspiration, the art, the community...

Today, and every day, I am blessed to have all of you in my life.

Namaste.

2011-11-09T12:32:00.000-08:00

I feel hopeful and excited. Honestly, it isn't consistent but I am surprised at the instances that I feel this way. Everything is still moving on a path towards something better than what I've been living and so I'm relieved that I'm not a complete disaster right now. The boy and I broke up last week and so I've been in and out of every emotion imaginable. Pretty healthful and productive ending to the relationship though and we both acknowledge that we still care for each other--that it just isn't working for me the way it is right now and that I'm not willing to continue in this dynamic that is leaving me so unfulfilled... at least not for the time being. Maybe when he comes back from abroad something will work out. In the meantime though I've decided to take my life forward--on all fronts. And of course.. that's scary as hell.

I'm grateful though (SO incredibly grateful) for my friends right now. I have a tendency to forget how supportive and loving they are and not be able to acknowledge it when I'm hurting. They've been so good to me right now in a quiet patient sort of way. I think they all thought I should back up from this relationship for a while and I know that many of them have been concerned for me (maybe a bit too much so actually... I do know when enough is enough even if I wait until the very last moment to walk away). Over the last week they have all stepped up to just be there quietly for me while I futz through these new feelings I'm having. I feel their presence and it has helped immensely. It's an amazing sort of "alone" that we feel when we let something go that we wanted to make work so badly. But the feelings of loss have been tempered by the presence of care that I'm receiving from people who are here for me when I reach out and who are there for me when I don't also.

Last weekend I flew a plane. This was my little sister's birthday present to me. It took us a while to schedule it but after everything it happened on the absolute best possible weekend.

What an amazing feeling! My instructor (R) went over the controls and some of the instruments. Then he had me taxi up to the runway--this is difficult to do. I felt like I was trying to play MarioKart. You know how you can never seem to go straight? Well, so we did that, then he helped steer while I took off from the runway. Amazing. Absolutely amazing. I have always loved flying--it is quite simply one of my favorite things to do. And taking off? More so. We practiced turns up in the air. Banking right and banking left. Then he helped me land. R kept apologizing for the clouds. I'm not sure if flying is different on a clear day but I love clouds. It was hard to articulate to him how perfect flying was in the clouds. We'd fly through clear patches and dodge the puffs of white and gray. It was bliss.

Monday I went to the Jack's Mannequin concert here in San Francisco. There are few artists that I want to see live. Jack's Mannequin was easily at the top of the list. Again, this happened at just the right time and I went with my good friend K. It was magic. Because I go to so few shows I feel like I really experience them in a sort of childlike way. The experience was beyond visceral and thanks to my girl we smooshed our way through the crowd all the way to the front; just about four people away from Andrew himself.

So, this is where I am at now... I avoided my appointment with my potential new therapist. I didn't feel comfortable with her and so I canceled. It helps that I'm so busy. I was concerned about canceling last week because I've been feeling so down lately but I think that things are steadily improving into what feels like a great place. I'm keeping myself social, dreaming about grad school, getting ready to sign a year lease on the cutest apartment on the planet. Things are good. There's a background of heartache but in a way, that's what makes the good moments really feel good.

I'll try to get my entries back to being a little bit more focused here in a while. Maybe longer entries about specific outings or accomplishments. For now, I'm just happy to get something down here...

Namaste

2011-10-05T10:46:00.000-07:00

I'm learning how to throw ceramics on a wheel. We're a few weeks into class and I finally managed to get the "cylinder" in the picture. It's the first shape I made completely on my own. There are two other cylinders of mine in the damp room but they both had significant aide from the teacher. There is even more clay in the recycled clay bucket...

During the first couple weeks of class I could feel my frustration rising as I couldn't make the shape I was aiming for. Then, somehow last Monday the ideas finally started to gel a little bit. I'm hoping that when we learn to trim I can clean up the bottom of this pot.

There's a pretty high level of concentration and balance involved in wheel throwing. More than that, what I'm struggling with is not letting the clay push me around. People who throw make it look incredibly easy but there's an amount of firmness that you have to be able to hold on to in order for the clay to not become a wobbled shape. At the same time you can't push beyond the point of holding still otherwise you wobble the entire piece in the other direction. Luckily, I've been taught a couple of saves--otherwise, I never would have gotten the shape in the picture.

I feel like my life is spinning in much the same way as the clay on the wheel. And that I'm handling it in much the same way that I'm handling my pieces. For the first couple of weeks I'd keep trying and keep pushing the clay until it was useless. Over doing it. Then I've backed off and it's been just the same problem but in the other direction. Finding a balance to keep the walls of the clay straight and being able to pull it up so that it's taller has been difficult. In much the same way I'm not sure I'm balancing my life right at the moment either. Things are happening fast and I feel that I'm only just barely keeping up. But, at the same time, the walls haven't fallen and so I feel rather "full" and happy with how everything is going. Just like class though, I'm waiting and anticipating that one little push or pull in the wrong direction and I'll just wobble right in to something dysfunctional.

I've been at my aunt's place for a couple of weeks now. I like it there. Getting used to the ridiculous commute was no fun. First it took an hour and a half every day to get to work. I'd try to leave earlier and it would just be worse. So, I tried leaving later. I've found a balance in that. Leaving later gets me there in about an hour (sometimes less).

Work is fine. I'm trying to balance my lack of motivation with my ethics about being at a job. I'm paid to be here so I better get my work done. I'm grateful for the job even if I'd rather be doing almost anything else. That said though, I DO wish I was doing something else.

Outside of work my life feels jam packed with a million things--but really, I don't know if it's all that much after all. Maybe I'm never going to be satisfied even if I'm constantly running. Mondays are ceramics, Tuesday is a class on Buddhist meditation (but we're on break), I have an online anthropology class (which I am just loving), weekends I still should be riding, and I really need to find a way to incorporate exercise, meditation and yoga.

Part of me, I think, is avoiding my relationship. In order to cope with how much I feel is lacking and how hard the distance is and the impending separation that is coming whenever he leaves for S. Korea, I'm immersing myself in all of these activities that keep me occupied. It's taken it's toll. Part of the reason I think the boy and I have worked so well is because I've been so available. Now, without that constant availability (I'm either at work, at class, or in between...with no Internet at home too) I feel like we talk even less. But, it keeps me away from dealing with feelings I'm not necessarily feeling prepared to deal with. It's all a part of the spinning, I guess. My relationship is the air bubble that will eventually end up coming to the surface.. I'm sure.

Overall though, I'm really content with all of this stuff that I've got going on. Being more active outside of work is certainly making work less of a drudgery in my day and being absolutely exhausted all the time has really done wonders for me sleeping through the whole night.

Namaste.

Transition

2011-09-08T13:29:00.000-07:00

Life is a good teacher and a good friend. Things are always in transition, if we could only realize it. Nothing ever sums itself up in the way that we like to dream about. The off-center, in-between state is an ideal situation, a situation in which we don't get caught and we can open our hearts and minds beyond limit. It's very tender, non-aggressive, open-ended state of affairs.

-Pema Chodron

Everything is in the air right now. It is strange, but very familiar at the same time, to not feel like the ground is really beneath me right now. At the same time though I feel more grounded this time than I have in previous instances of off-balance. I'm not in panic mode and so far I seem to be taking this all in stride.

In a couple of weeks I will move in with my aunt. This should be a new experience and it will be a quiet one. My aunt lives at the beginning of nowhere--the outer edge of suburban bay area and the beginning of what has always seemed to me to be endless flat grass and horse land. It's nice out there. The air is different and it's quiet. She has horses, chickens, peacocks, pigeons and a goat. Big change from my spider infested, urban Berkeley basement room. This move will be temporary. One to three months I'm imagining. And then? Then I will find myself my own little apartment in the bay area again. Or that's the plan at least.

My commute will be murderous. My gas budget will sky rocket. Nevertheless, this will offer me a reprieve from this sudden jolt of "what the hell is going on with my life" that has poured down on me. After a year of straightening everything out and deciding to take one big risk and then watching the prospect of that leap of faith vanish before me in an instant I'm left with this unresolved, unplanned emptiness. Needless to say, without going into too much detail, my aunt's place was a jumping board for a plan that fell apart. Now, I have all these different paths open to me and I have to make some choices--or not. Likely I'll just mozy into this timidly and tentatively stick my toes into different options until I feel comfortable with something. Still, not knowing what the next 5 months look like is unsettling.

The quote above was a gift to me and a reminder to not panic. It's OK that I have no idea what is happening or how it will work out. I find comfort in it and by some form of transference I find comfort in my own predicament.

Reflections

2011-08-19T11:35:00.000-07:00

I meant to reflect at the mid-way point of this year but just haven't found the words to put down. I suppose this still counts as a mid point especially considering how much I struggle with the first five months of the year on a regular basis. This year Spring was not so difficult, thanks to the magnificent discovery of Zyrtec-D. Nevertheless, I get seasonally blue and this year was no different. Summer has been it's own blur but now I'm emerging finally from the fog cocoon that I've allowed myself to stay hidden in. So many things are changing...

First, let me start by saying that my sweet child from the previous entry is doing alright. I can feel the loss he is experiencing through the spastic ways his anxiety manifests in him when he is in class but I also continue to see the cathartic process of paint in his life. His mother, jolted by the death of her father, has re-entered her child's life and is living at a shelter where she is receiving assistance and support. I'm crossing my fingers, praying, holding on to hope that she will be what she needs to be for the boy--what she should have always been.

Next, I'd like to put a shameless little plug in for myself. A while back I submitted some poetry to my friend's poetry blog and then didn't realize he published my work! Just the other day I noticed finally and so I'd like to share the link here. Infloressence is a creative little poetry blog idea which is slowly coming into being. I'm not sure that he'll keep it up but I do love the concept. My work is listed here, under Poetry to Consider.

As far as reflection goes for this year so far I do know that my life has been and continues to change exponentially. This is thanks to my work with my therapist, the growth of my relationship with the boy (significant other, not the child from the last entry), my interactions with friends and other influential people (the child, the people at the Art Center, my friends and family). Overall, I feel less afraid than I have been in years. I had a core realization a few months back where it became very clear to me that most of my struggles centered around my inability to overcome a fear of failing and moreover a fear of just not doing things adequately or "quite right." Since the realization I feel that I've been self-advocating, communicating more clearly, living more adventurously and I've felt a different sort of focus than I'd been feeling for the last few years. There isn't such an acute dread in the way I am focusing my attention at survival. Now there is more of an excitement and a sense of "watch me do this!" And still, I have no idea where I'm headed or how I'll get there.

Part of this new found confidence seems to surge up from seeing other people live confidently. I've heard about friends (and friends of friends) who have advocated for themselves professionally and are achieving and obtaining what they want. It's lessened my fear of asking for what I know I deserve. I've watched friends healthfully communicate through relationship issues instead of running in fear of conflict--and the resolutions come more calmly and more genuinely than when one is just placating the other for the sake of getting along. I've watched people try new things and thrive as a result and even more than watching this happen in other people I have tried these "new" ways of being and am finding that they work for me, that I won't spontaneously implode out of anxiety and/or fear (even if I feel like I might) and that as a result I am feeling happier, more exuberant, and more close to the me that I know that I am for longer periods of time than just small sparks and glimpses.

I guess that sounds wordy and maybe a little bit self-aggrandizing. For the purposes of a mid-year review though it seems accurate and even understated. I feel like the happy child in me has been holding her breath for a couple of decades and that she is finally breathing out and saying, "Hey, I'm still here and I want to try this...and this...and this...and this!"And for once, the focused, responsible, adult who has been so focused on trying to (unsuccessfully) pay down debt and get ahead professionally is saying, "Oh, well OK, let's do it." As a result I am taking huge strides in the directions that I've been trying to force for so long.

Recently, I started horseback riding. This is something I started doing as a child but through a combination of the size of the animal and my incredibly propensity for allergies to everything I became a bit traumatized about the whole thing and refused to get that close to a horse for years. This has defined most of the Saturdays in my life for the last couple of months. I'm finding that while I don't particularly feel like I enjoy being on the actual horses I am developing a bond to them (particularly the horse I ride most--Hershey). Riding is becoming less of a catalyst for stress and more of a time where I am getting to know myself and my ability to put a certain level of trust in a being that I cannot directly communicate with.

I've been writing again, slowly and differently. For me it is extremely rare that I can write in any emotion other than devastated and depressed. So, these new quiet moments of opening where I have floods of words are new welcome territory.

I'm seriously debating graduate school at this point. I am mainly torn between Marital and Family Therapy (with an Art Therapy component) and Social Work. Unfortunately, Art Therapy is offered in San Francisco and Los Angeles; two great cities that I currently don't feel a pull towards. I would live in Los Angeles were it not for my current relationship. I am aware that if I were to pick school in Los Angeles I would essentially be choosing the end of a very beautiful part of my life right now. I don't feel capable of making that decision. I don't want to make that sacrifice.

Social work on the other hand is much more broad and available but as time has passed I am feeling less of a pull towards it. Marital and Family Therapy without the Art Therapy component could work also. Either way I'd like to work with children who are healing from neglect and abuse. Social Work would allow me to work with policy and broader areas than just one child at a time. Art Therapy and/or MFT would allow me to work with the individual.

But, for now, I'll start smaller. Tomorrow morning I'm attending a hula hoop class and I'm absolutely amped about it. I have no idea what to expect, except that I cannot and have not ever been able to hula hoop successfully.

Then afterwards it's back to the great big task of sorting through all of my belongings. I'm moving in a month and need to get down to the bare minimum of what I own. This is it's own adventure and maybe I'll delve into that in some later post. It, of course, is bringing up it's own feelings of anxiety but overall I am excited to see where these new paths take me.

Tonight, I will tell you about a child...

2011-06-08T22:23:00.000-07:00

Corner of a Big Painting by the Child

There is a little boy in this world and in my mind no one could compare, but at the same time I'm afraid that there are many like him--too many.

He's the one I've come to know. He's the one I sit with on Saturday mornings as he explores creation through paint, through color, through clay. This little boy has taught me more about resilience and hope than any other person I've encountered. He has taught me more about strength and the impact of trauma than any life lesson I've ever experienced first hand. He is young and he is vibrant. He is troublesome and too much untamed energy. He is creative, inspired and inspiring.

In briefest terms possible, according to Childhelp (a very user-friendly and accessible web-site), national child abuse statistics show that three million reports of child abuse are made each year. This is in the United States alone. They go on to state that many of these claims involve multiple children, almost doubling the figure to 5.8 million children in 2007 who were included in these reports. Fifty-nine percent of reported child abuse is classified as neglect, almost eleven percent as physical abuse, seven and a half percent as sexual abuse. Among the general statistics on the page are staggeringly grim percentage rates of the prevalence of child abuse in social issues such as teen pregnancy, drug use and violent crime.

This child that I know has suffered abuse at the hands of the people who were to have cared about him most--his mother and her boyfriend. Now, really, I don't know the details and specifics of it other than that most of the abuse came from the boyfriend and that the mother did not step in. Whether she partook in the actual physical abuse or not, I don't know. This happened until the age of three. He now lives with his grandparents who take extremely good care of him. He is loved but in the wake of the catastrophic abuse that this child has suffered he is visibly impacted.

He's in therapy and at a Montessori School. These have been hugely helpful for him. I have seen a difference in him within the last year. In class this child has trouble sitting still, he must be holding items and fidgeting. He must be making noise. He must be rocking back and forth or turning something over, or banging the table. When asked direct questions he used to not answer, it's taken a year and now occasionally he'll answer. Otherwise, he recedes inside of himself. I've seen him speak up more when a general question is asked of the class. As of this year I've watched him chime in more during story time.

This child loves bugs. He loves spiders. He takes considerable care in deciding what to draw or sculpt before beginning and then puts it out on paper (and clay) with a care and detail that surpasses a lot of the other children. His drawings stand out amongst the other children's creations. Unfortunately, this is because of their tenor--dark, frightening, violent. Over the last year also the anger in these pictures is simmering down. When I first met him he drew two people/creatures next to each other with angered faces, razors and knives coming from where their arms used to be, machine guns from the other arms, fire. Reds and blacks. A year later his drawings are more tempered: scary bugs and plants with jaws that can chomp and crush, spewing poison at flies and other more innocent plants.

Even so, just a few weeks ago each child was to create a book, whatever book they desired. This boy created dark clouds, slowly parting (comic book style) and through the clouds a creepy little creature with glowing yellow eyes. He came and he left. And there was nothing more to it. For me, it conjured a sense of ominous fear inducing creature coming...and going.

Dragon Carrying a Paper Clip by the Child

It's in the clay and the larger acrylic paintings that this boy's happier feelings seem to come out. Little spider bugs, a jelly fish tile, a caterpillar, a dragon. He could sit for hours creating his creatures from the clay and splattering paint on large canvas.

All of this has solidified in me the opinion that art is a universal healer of all hurts. Of course, the Montessori School, the therapy, the love from his grandparents, the nurture he is receiving is all playing a role as well but to watch this child transform and express himself through art is so concretely visceral. He is changing from the inner-most workings of his being. And he is changing me.

Because of this child I am now certain that I want to pursue graduate education in Social Work. I want to put in time working for CPS, working with foster children, neglected children, physically abused children to better the situation for little boys and girls like this one. I'm certain, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that if more people don't turn to organizations that help these children that more and more will fall through the cracks and become nothing more than statistics heard on the news or in blog posts like this one. These children are so much more important than the number to which they become grouped. My young friend is so much more than an eleven percent.

So, the point of this blog is to introduce you to this child as a representative of a much larger set of humans--not as a named child who lives in a specific city with a specific address. He is one of so many others and for me he is irreplaceable. The point of this blog is that I am angry and I am sad. I cannot and will not come to terms with people who can do this to a child. The child is innocent. The child is an empty vessel and what we do to the children of our world alters the course of their reality in ways that an abuser is too cowardly to realize, too sick to acknowledge and/or care about. The point of this entry is to voice my concern and that I am filled to the brim with hope for this child and others. But also to voice that I am disheartened to know that there are so many children lost in "the system" or trapped in their abusive situations.

The point of this blog is to share something important to me, beyond the poetry, the letters to Afghanistan, the excursions to take photos. This entry is to share something that defines my core, something that I feel strongly should matter to you as a human.

I'm not one to push opinions so entries like this will be few and far between but you can assist in making a change. Take a moment: volunteer, donate, call in for a child who needs help, or just pay attention to the children in your own life. Nurture those who need your care and strength. Protect those who cannot protect themselves.

*****

This morning I learned that the sweet boy's grandfather has cancer. The prognosis at this point is unclear--but it sounds serious and grim. The process of searching for options has started for this family and I am left to wonder about the impact that all of this will have on this child who is only seven or eight years old; who has already gone through so much (and the impact that this will have on his grandmother).

My mind fills with concern about the well-being of this little boy. Will he continue to get the attention that he needs to keep him on a trajectory to functioning in society? Will he take the illness of his grandfather on as his own personal burden? Will he blame himself as so many children blame themselves for the sadness that enters their lives?

My soul goes out to the grandmother who now must divide her loving attention between a child who is very much a "special needs" child and an ailing husband. It's a burden I can't even begin to imagine. Many people, as well as myself, have offered to assist her in this time of need but even so it's an unfathomable hardship for me.

Blue and Yellow Spider-Bug by the Child

"For millions of years flowers have been producing thorns. For millions of years sheep have been eating them all the same. And it's not serious, trying to understand why flowers go to such trouble produce thorns that are good for nothing? It's not important, the war between the sheep and the flowers?... Suppose I happen to know a unique flower, one that exists nowhere in the world except on my planet, one that a little sheep can wipe out in a single bite one morning, just like that, even without realizing what he's doing - that isn't important? If someone loves a flower of which just one example exists among all the millions and millions of stars, that's enough to make him happy when he looks at the stars. He tells himself, 'My flower's up there somewhere...' But if the sheep eats the flower, then for him it's as if, suddenly, all the stars went out. And that isn't important?'"

-Le Petit Prince

Thank you for reading. Thank you for any action you might take to support the end of child abuse.

Namaste.

*****

UPDATE: Since I posted this entry the little boy's grandfather has passed away. Please send your good thoughts and intentions out there to them and to the people you interact with daily. While things like cancer aren't necessarily avoidable, child abuse is. This world could be a better place if we all dedicate some attention to the areas that need it.

"Let the beauty we love be what we do."

2011-06-08T01:05:00.000-07:00

Every day we wake up empty and frightened

Don't go to the study and pull out a book,
Take down a musical instrument instead
Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are a hundred ways
To kneel and kiss the ground.

(Rumi, translation Coleman Barks)

Rumi's pieces have filled my soul since I was introduced to him back in college. The piece above has been my favorite for the last five or six years. Particularly the words Let the beauty we love be what we do. That a person should follow their bliss and be what they are most impassioned to do. It has been a mantra and a goal of mine since I first read the words. I'm not there yet but it's a journey.

And so tonight I was reminded again of a Rumi poem that a friend of mine shared with me a few months ago. I had read it once in my Rumi book and then not thought upon it after until my friend shared it and I began to think of the actual meaning of the words. Then, a few weeks ago the leader of my mediation group shared it with us in conjunction with a discussion on "feelings." I'm working with the same themes in my therapy. How emotions are like clouds. They come and go and change as often as the weather--passing clouds. And then, on Monday, it struck me to send this poem to my soldier, tucked away in a card, in the hopes to share a little peace if he's needing it.

The poem is called The Guest House and deals with emotions coming and going and that one should welcome them into their being, experience them and let them stay and leave as they please and need because often they are clearing out the old and bringing in the new.

Emotions. They seem to be the focal point of my struggle this week.

And so I'll share these words with you and hope they bring some comfort and ease into your week.

The Guest House

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.

A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
as an unexpected visitor.

Welcome and entertain them all!
Even if they're a crowd of sorrows,
who violently sweep your house
empty of its furniture,
still, treat each guest honorably.
He may be clearing you out
for some new delight.

The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
meet them at the door laughing,
and invite them in.

Be grateful for whoever comes,
because each has been sent
as a guide from beyond.

(Rumi, translation by Coleman Barks)

Namaste.

For Memorial Day...

2011-05-31T13:56:00.000-07:00

I enjoyed a very restful and massively productive weekend both creatively and with regards to daily responsibilities. Today, Tuesday, is the first day of the work week since we had the Memorial Day Holiday. It's the last day of May and it's pouring down rain. Whether it's global warming, an El Nino year (is it?) or just freak weird weather I'm missing stereotypical warm California weather. I am grateful for the rain though--it has such a calming effect on everything and conjures thoughts of hibernation. It has definitely made it a bit easier to settle back into the grind too since there is no magnetic pull to go outside.

Among other projects, this weekend I adopted a soldier again. It's probably my most notable accomplishment and the one I am most excited about. I had adopted two previously but "life" got in the way and I hadn't adopted new one's when they came home. The program I belong to is Soldier's Angels, a non-profit organization that works to send care packages and correspondence to soldiers (deployed and injured) as well as provide care and support for veteran's who have returned home. They have a variety of different teams that people can participate in. I highly recommend it if you are looking for a way to support our troops.

I don't know much about my current soldier as there wasn't really any information provided except for his name and address. (I'll refer to him as J or 'my soldier' going forward for anonymity.) If I looked up his military address correctly then I'm relatively sure he is stationed in Afghanistan. I can't fathom being in the military right now, much less in the Middle East.

Today, I finished prepping my first letter to him. I wrote him two and a half pages introducing myself, asking him what he'd like me to send to him and telling him about my window at home. I know that sounds weird. For me though, my window is this beautifully peaceful part of my life--the way the sun drips in in the late afternoon, the way light seeps through the bamboo shoots and how the apricot tree arches over the window, how the window swings open like fairy tale windows (the house I live in is from the 30's). It's such a quiet and safe comfort in my life and I tried to convey it as such. I thought it sounded like a good introduction. Where better to start than the place that I sleep and wake--since he'll likely read my first letter wherever he sleeps and wakes.

It's always a little bit hard to know what to write in the first letter. I included this picture from UC Santa Cruz's quarry that I really adore. I took it back in sophomore year of college. Finally, I stuck in a form that Soldier's Angels provides so that my soldier can send me info pertaining to himself and what he'd like me to send in the care packages along with a self addressed envelope.

I'm looking forward to preparing my second letter to him but am not sure what I'll include yet and as for the first care package I really haven't the faintest idea what to include yet. Maybe, since I've rejoined Swap-Bot I can send him some of the cute stuff I trade on there. (I will write more about Swap-Bot in a future entry.) Maybe I'll do some long overdue baking and send some to the boy (B) and some to my soldier. I'm definitely working on supporting my relationship with B more so anything I can do to support him that can also lend to helping fill out care packages for my soldier would be good at least until J writes me back and tells me what he'd like to receive.

There are a lot more projects I'd like to write about but they'll have to wait for other entries. Stay tuned for Swap-Bot, 100 Things Drawing Challenge, Writing progress, Horseback Riding, Piano moving and practicing, and more. I'm feeling very alive right now and I hope it keeps up. I'm also hoping that you are feeling very alive too and that the weekend has been restful, invigorating and inspiring!

Namaste.

Writing as Identity

2011-05-27T21:58:00.000-07:00

My being is defined by my writing and lately there has been a dearth of it. It is my intention to start several writing projects. Technically, I already started these projects a little while ago when I posted them on 43Things and bought the plain notebook that I've been carting around for weeks. I want to really delve into them now though. I used to write so much and now I feel so incredibly blocked. I have so much to say and want to at least start compiling notes. My projects will be as follows:

Submit another poem to Take-it-to-the-Street Poetry
Submit poetry to Infloressence (a poetry blog project of a friend of mine).
Participate in a poetry slam (or two...or more)
Get a poem published in a selective publication.
Enter some writing contests.
Draft/write some of the children's stories I started brainstorming
Come up with a few more short story ideas.
Start compiling notes for my creative non-fiction poetry memoir.

In doing these new projects I also want to solidify an archive of the work I've already done. Maybe I can send some of the older work out (probably a good idea for Take-it-to-the-Street and Infloressence. Hoping that when I start editing and submitting work that I'll feel more creative and then be able to write some new pieces. Today, while walking to my coffee shop I felt so strongly about a poem. Each word just poured into my brain but by the time I got to the coffee shop, after stopping to talk to a neighbor and taking time to order my drink, all but the essence of the poem had dissipated. I tried rehashing the words but only got a rough uneasy sketch of what had been so fluid. Maybe that will turn into something eventually--that isn't typically how my pieces work though.

Poetry Slam sounds SO daunting to me. It's something that was suggested to me years ago and I've never thought myself confident enough to participate. I still don't really know if I can do it but it sounds like a good opportunity to get my words out there. The local place has contests for cash prizes (which, if I'm good at it, would be really helpful).

Writing contests fall under the same vein. I've never sent any of my work out so contests and sending to selective publications will undoubtedly take some getting used to. I'm sure there is just an incredibly amount of rejection happening based on how many amazing poets I interact with on Facebook. Poetry is such an under recognized art form. To get published and then really known in the poetic community must be extremely challenging.

Since the last year of college I've had two or three exceptional ideas for short story/children's books. I wrote them in Spanish and may keep them that way but more than likely I will translate and flesh them out into short children's style novels. They're heavy in content though--similar to the questionably sad tenor of Le Petit Prince. I'd also like to do their illustrations. Once I have them more fleshed out I may share drafts on here--unfortunately though due to some publishing issues and copyright concerns I also may not. They really are beautiful ideas and if I can pull it off I'd like my name on them rather than some stranger stealing them away before I have the chance!

And then my big project. The biggest of the big! I have been dreaming and scheming up this idea for so long: a creative non-fiction poetry memoir. My poems are typically based on fact--almost rigidly so. I have this wonderful plan to mesh poetry into prose into thought-flow into more prose into story. From all of this I plan to create a story arc that portrays a very creative somewhat fictionalized overlay for a non-fiction representation of my life experiences. While nothing in my life has been particularly spectacular compared to what is already out in the literary world I feel I have something to say, something to teach and a create mode to put it forward that will be captivating (if I can pull it off).

So, there you have it... big plans coming up.

Namaste.

__________________________________________________________________________________

UPDATE: Out of sheer restlesness I have already tackled the first two submission goals on my list. I chose one poem for Take-it-to-the-Street Poetry and three other pieces for Infloressence. I'm pleased with my choices and did some minor editing to a couple of the pieces before sending them over.

Hopefully I'll hear back on Infloressence in the next couple of weeks.

Take-it-to-the-Street is due out for it's next publication on July 1st. I've asked to be able to submit a sketch to Take-it-to-the Street and we'll see what I'll choose to turn in for that.

Snapshots of the Drop - May 2011

2011-05-20T10:23:00.000-07:00

I'm not a huge promoter of Facebook and other pointless networking websites but I have found a benefit for Facebook in that I've networked with a lot of poets. Essentially, the poets have become the point of being on FB. (My rant on FB will come some other day, I'm sure.)

Two poets started this great project which I've been able to participate in. They've done it twice before with different themes but I finally was able to get my act together and submit something.

Here is how it worked. Lynne and Cornelius (two very creative minded poets) invited all of us other poetic and artistic types to submit our poetry, sketches, and prose to them. Lynne then compiled volumes of the work. She ended up creating seven volumes! I was in Volume 5. It's called Force Fed (tag line "take it to the streets poetry." They made a deadline for submissions and accepted all. Deadline came around and then they began printing and mailed each person two copies of their volume--one for their records and one for the drop.

Unfortunately, mine never showed up. I'm going to blame that on the bad juju of giving them my work address instead of my home address. The volumes are all up and available on Yudu so I was able to print out a copy (I don't have a printer so this was sort of an adventure too). I have one copy in my office, printed a small copy for myself and then printed the small copy in the picture which I left at my current coffee shop. By the time I left it ended up on the magazine rack where I hope it will stay for a while. I hope many people read it.

The volumes are all available on Yudu. Here is a link to all of the volumes. And, if you have Facebook you can check out the event page. Eventually, I've been told by Cornelius that a video will be made of all of the photos. They're really gorgeous and everyone's ideas of where to drop the booklets is great.

I sumbitted the following piece:

Seeds

I sink into this space
between my fingers and my face;
beneath the blazoned fuchsia skyscape
and the salted surface tension
of an ebbing ease-less ocean;
under the solid sway
of the grand gray bridge.

Suspension

A framework.

The holding of all screamings,
loud and low, that are seeping
and slowly sowing themselves
amongst my ordered throughts.

They grasp at little gaps in
my besotted adoration of This:
your deep abounding sun setting
into hushed abiding dusk.

© Natalie Webster

Expansion

2011-05-19T14:11:00.000-07:00

Very difficult week. It's hard to let things go that I've wanted so badly to work and then to deal with that along with money issues, some stress around other people's well-being and a sick kitty. Needless to say I'm ready for some simplicity for a couple of days.

I've realized the following this week:

I want for you to be so happy, so calm and so comforted with security that you can go and do whatever it is you want to do with your life and feel supported and loved. I hope you find this in your life.

I wish it for myself too. For everyone I know and for every good person out there in this world (for the not so good ones too--really for everyone but especially for the good people).

I feel as if my life is expanding exponentially in multiple different directions. I can feel growth and know the true meaning of the term "growing pains." The expansion is accompanied by stress, pain, fear, concern. But, I can feel myself strengthening and opening to possibilities, to my own self worth, to pieces of me that I'd buried out in order to avoid dealing with reality.

So this week, while it has felt devastating in so many ways has also shown me a new courage. I had four or five things that felt like they urgently required my financial attention, one after the other after the other (coolant for car, then the gas pedal didn't respond, then my medication is way more than I can afford on this month's budget, then my glasses broke, then my kitty got sick). First half of the week I muddled through in a state of panic but I was able to manage each situation without delving into my hard earned and saved money. Still strapped and still stressed about how to deal with the issues in the longer term but progress.

In doing this I feel more empowered to stick with this saving goal and to continue to expand in different directions. This week also I'm completing a writing project (will post a blog), tidying a disaster of a room (it mirrors my emotional state) which I began overhauling last weekend, beginning the brainstorms of my memoir, and being social. I've picked up meditation, am continuing my finance class and I find myself constantly looking for more ways to keep DOING. Not as an escape but I'm literally excited for the first time in years at the prospect of what I'm capable of doing. Not in a godly or pretentious sense of course but as a healthy human. I wish this for you. Who knows how many people function just below this realm of "I'm really ALIVE."

So, Monday of this week, as I was wallowing in my pity-party a beautiful dove and her partner chose my office balcony to make a nest (will take good pictures and post in a blog entry). Cute little story that I want to post next. She is absolutely sweet and her partner has been so concerned and caring of her. I think today she laid her eggs because she hasn't left her nest at all. She readjusts but nothing more. She's brought me an immense feeling of calm and an ongoing reverberation of love. I feel very much like a hippy but really, seeing something as sweet as two loving doves create a home and a family is inspiring in a way that no man-made object has ever been. It's uplifting.

The doves and the new life they are bringing fills me with a sense of compassion towards myself and the frustrations I'm feeling towards other people in my life. I'm not entirely sure why.

I hope to post about the doves move onto my balcony this weekend or maybe next week. I also want to start posting about some of my projects so that this blog starts taking more shape than just my puffy little clouds of thought. There is enough padding with posts now to really delve into the details of what I find beautiful.

The photo is from a hike I did with a friend a few weeks ago up on Grizzly Peak. Gorgeous during Spring.

Namaste.

Santa Cruz

2011-05-09T10:35:00.000-07:00

A few weeks ago a friend and I ventured off to Santa Cruz re-exploring some of the university romping grounds and then driving up the One to sit on the rocks above a beach watching two couples trying to fly their kites in the 'too windy' weather. Then we walk along a railroad to where an old train sat (waiting?) alone.

Weekends like that remind me of all of the projects and aspirations I'd like to be achieving. And, in comparison to the Monday through Friday 8-5 work schedule, I'm reminded how much I feel like I'm not achieving. It's been a few weeks and I'm trying to keep myself active in my spare time, doing things that I find rewarding and fulfilling for myself. It simultaneously makes my job more and less bearable.

I've been taking some strides to improve my situation finally. I'm attending financial planning class once a week and I'm beginning to feel a little bit less like the lack of money is the controlling factor in my life right now. I've saved a little bit of money and it's the first time I can every say I've held on to money for this long (two weeks) without the compulsion to spend it. Granted I gave the money to someone I trust to hold on to but I'm feeling more and more confident that I'll be able to create my Emergency Savings Fund and then continue to progress through the steps that are set in front of me.

In facing the money issue once and for all I've realized fairly clearly that my idea of "focus" over the last several years (focus on work, focus on making money, focus on paying the debt) was no more than fear. Fear that kept me running in a hamster wheel with no tangible progress to show to anyone. Finally noticing this pattern has been big for me. I feel like a floodgate has been opened and all of a sudden I want to be doing all of these things that I never gave myself permission to want to do previously--either because I was telling myself I couldn't be successful at it or that I wouldn't like it, etc.

Maybe I sound a twinge "self-help" but I'm glad for this small shift and am happy to slowly be inching into a better direction towards my own life. I would like to write more. Yesterday I suddenly felt that writing has been very absent lately and so I think I'll make an effort to do that more. Maybe I'll schedule some specific time once a week to blog and some other time to write poetry or start on memoir sketches.

Namaste.

San Diego

2011-04-11T14:37:00.000-07:00

San Diego. I've been here since Friday midday. Little blue rental car, uncharacteristically (but expected) cold weather, some rain, good food and adorable man. I'm in a small coffee shop that looks a bit like a house, with a deck that wraps around it. The walls are a deep red and it's dimly lit except for the bright blue daylight pouring in from all of the windows. It's breezy outside but warmer than it's been in a few days. I came from the beach and so I feel very much like I'm back in Santa Cruz. The coffee shop is reminiscent of Pergolessi in downtown.

The last day in San Diego always makes me sad and preemptively nostalgic. Sadness and the feeling of missing something is so present for me all of the time. But San Diego offers me such a comforted feeling even though here, in this coffee shop, I feel alone and the city is expansive and I know almost no one and I know only one person well... still, I feel comforted. I don't feel that pang of loneliness that I so often feel at home. I wonder if it might be different if I came to live here. Would that lonely feeling follow me even though I don't feel lonely right now? I'm less alone at home.

I spent this morning looking for a beach side coffee shop. I got close, just two blocks from the beach there is this highly reviewed little hole-in-the-wall shop called Pacific Bean. They're known for their mochas but I bought a latte. It was good. I listened to three middle aged men right out front speak Italian and in English about Italy and the differences between it and America. I wrote in my journal and after an hour and a half or maybe two--after I'd said everything that my sleepy mind was spinning on--I wandered off and drove until I found a parking spot by one of those stair wells down to the beach. I adore those big wooden staircases to the sandy openness. The expanse of the ocean never fails to bring me into a sort of centered quiet. It's huge in comparison to everything, larger than all worries, all stresses, all fears.

Stilettos don't lend themselves to beach stairs or beaches and so shoes in hand I made my way down to an almost empty beach where I sat and read On the Road for a few hours. I watched two groups of men play in the ocean--childlike--and was approached by a boy who thought he'd try his hand at being manly by flirting. More reading and then I wandered back to my car.

I made my way to this little coffee shop, that the Boy recommended to me, called Krakatoa and ate a delicious little turkey sandwich with chipotle mayo, onions and tomatoes. Every time I come to San Diego I'm immersed in this amazing world of food indulgences that I don't allow a space for back home. I'm coming to see that a lot of my every day reality is more about fretting about finances than about organizing my life around getting stable enough to allow myself a space to enjoy my surroundings. Having the Boy in my reality or even just new friends who inspire me to try new things has been good for me. It's helping me grow in calmer directions.

The weekend has been full of positive reinforcements but also it's been full of sudden daunting realizations about my innate lack of self security. It's such a good indication to me that I have a lot of work to do just on my side to ensure that my relationships continue to grow in positive ways. Work with trust, with openness, with being brave, with looking at things objectively.

Always room for growth and awareness.

Namaste.

Namaste

2011-03-07T14:18:00.000-08:00

I started a post a couple of weeks ago that I never completed. Actually, I only picked the image I wanted to use and then an idea never formed for the post. So, that picture and post will have to wait.

It's sunny out today but windy. The weather is shifting and I'm so excited for change, Spring, something new. There's something new and big coming this year and it feels good.

Nevertheless, things have been difficult lately. A week into March and the tone has been set as 'exhausted.' Tired of old patterns, tired of hard unfulfilling work, tired of not following my heart, tired of ignoring myself and allowing myself to be ignored. Advocacy for one's self is so often disregarded. Not just with me. I watch people let themselves be silenced in an effort not to "stir up shit." I do it. I've spent years preferring to 'get along' instead of speaking up and letting people see the real me with real needs and real expectations. I've gotten into a pretty major habit of relating to the world as a victim and reacting out of some place of misguided self-defense and preservation. Not that it hasn't served me but I'm seeing that there are more healthful ways of relating to my surroundings and the people in my reality.

So, this goes hand in hand with choice. I/You can make a choice in every situation that arises. We can choose to be bitter or look at the positive. We can choose to stay or choose to leave. Choose to vocalize a need or choose to keep it silent (and then choose to be okay with that choice or to be resentful). I'm struggling with this because it's so much easier to choose to not say a word and then to be angry about everything later on, to place blame unfairly, to experience life as a victim with out any power or fault.

We should all know our self worth. I'm reminded of the greeting Namaste. It's a Sanskrit word used as a greeting in India and also used in the Yoga communities around the world. Basically, at it's most literal it means "to bow to you." Expounding on that, there are several ways that people explain the meaning of the word but the version I've heard that I like the most is that the divine in me recognizes (and bows to) the divine in you.

Everyone is divine and comes from divinity. Everyone has worth. Everyone has an aspect of them that is whole, good, filled with light. Today, for me, that means the right and the duty to honor that in myself and in others. To advocate for myself and to listen to others as they too express their needs. To meet people in their needs as I've had people recently meet mine. To acknowledge that without putting it forth no one can know what it is I need just as I cannot know what other people need if they haven't expressed it to me.

This also reminds me of my friend's blog post on a song called Timshel (Timshel means Thou Mayest in Hebrew) and goes back to ideas of choice and how choice plays into our divinity. You can read her blog post and the song lyrics here.

Namaste.

Choices

2011-02-19T23:09:00.000-08:00

Rain is pouring down in the Bay Area this week and it makes me feel comforted but lonely all at the same time. Opposition of thoughts. I have a choice. I can succumb to the feelings of being alone, of loss. A quiet fear festering in the idea that I don't know with any certainty where my life will be in four weeks. Or, I can embrace this feeling of envelopment that the Earth holds out to us on rainy days. This feeling of, "I'm crying with you right now." The sky is crying-softly with relief. Free and somber. Tranquil.

It's been raining since Monday. I went down to San Diego over the weekend and the weather was sunny and warm. The weekend was framed in anxiety, emotion, unease but centered around feelings of 'home' and belonging. All of these choices for how I'm going to feel, what I'm going to do, how I'm going to say what I'm going to say. This is how February is being solidified inside of me. In the last weeks I'm experiencing a profound shift. I'll call it a growth spurt of the inner workings of how I react to the world. It's progress but all the while, these shifts remind me how I hold on to past. How I'm having trouble viewing each new situation as a new situation.

Sure. We learn from our past. We take the lessons we gain and we use them as a foundation for the next step in our journey. The last years of my life have been defined by a feeling of being trapped though. While we can learn we can also become jaded and resistant to trust and happiness in a sort of effort for self defense. The last weeks have been the beginning of a shift. I'm learning that I not only use what I've learned as information going into a new situation but I also prejudge the new situation almost completely on the internal narrative I've constructed based on that past information. Instead of using it as a guide, as a "sometimes," it becomes an "always." I'm closing off opportunities and projecting my insecurities.

February's mantra has become this: Choice. I have choices. I am not trapped. I have options. Among other things, I acknowledge that I have the choice to trust, to love, to move on, to forgive, to leave, to be brave, to be vulnerable, to be fragile, to have needs. I can choose to speak out, or to be quiet, to take opportunities, or let them pass. And no matter what as long as I remember that I have a choice, I am free.

Transformative Positivity

2011-01-24T14:31:00.000-08:00

January has already been full of wonderful new and old/revived experiences. And retrospectively it's no wonder that I'm exhausted and emotionally turbulent. I'm learning a lot (again) about how my body and mind process transition. At the behest of the Girl who I see on a weekly basis for counseling, my Doctor and the Boy I'm seeing I'm trying to morph my life into something healthier. I begin to wonder sometimes if maybe it's only psychological that healthy habits are so incredibly hard to keep and reform. There seems to be much more of an instant pay off when doing something "unhealthy" and "bad." Regardless, January has been this process of relearning how to eat at least twice a day, drink 64 fl. oz. of water, sleep eight hours and exercise. It's interesting to experience these three people's interest in my well being knowing that each of them have different reasons and motivations for pushing me in this direction. It's also, I'll admit, interesting to see how I push against and work with them. On a whole, I've been quite a bit less resistant towards each of them than I have other people--probably because I genuinely like all three. I'm not pretending to want their support just to placate society, if that makes sense.

It's difficult to take care of myself when I feel like I have obligations to everyone else that need to take priority. The Girl says I need to learn to love myself enough to care for myself. The Doctor says I just "have to." The Boy jokingly makes it about himself (and our small village of unborn babies). Ultimately it comes down to what The Girl said on another occasion, about the Boy and her insistence on my sleeping/eating, "we care." And if they care, why shouldn't I?

January has also been a whole set of brand new experiences. I finally was able to attend two committees for Habitat for Humanity that I've wanted to go to for months. Going to these group meetings is pretty far out of my comfort zone so I'm happy that I didn't let my anxiety keep me from attending. Habitat for Humanity is an amazing organization when you start learning some of the inner workings. One committee works with doing initial interviews for potential homeowners in their developments. They evaluate the families based on need for housing and ability to pay. Then the committee votes on whether to recommend a family or not. If the family is approved they move on to an interview with the Habitat for Humanity Board. Habitat for Humanity offers affordable housing but makes it so that the homeowners who enter into the housing work and pay for what they are receiving. It instills a sense of worth and value to what they are receiving. Each family has to complete a certain amount of hours volunteering (sweat equity) on the developments themselves (sometimes event heir own homes). This goes towards their downpayment.

The second committee I went to works to plan social activities for the communities created by Habitat. It looks like they plan about one large event per month. This was the meeting that I felt a bit more at home. The volunteers were much closer to my age group but while I felt more comfortable I also felt anxious about speaking up. It's the one I'm having trouble convincing myself to go back to. Probably because I'd like to be friends with the other volunteers and that will require pushing myself to participate and be social. Still, I think I'll go back.

And finally, I went and took three private dance classes that I got with an amazing coupon I got from Groupon. I won't be able to go back since the place is so far away and so expensive, but I was able to take classes concentrating around Swing, Cha-Cha, Salsa, Tango and Rumba. I liked all of them immensely and am contemplating seeking out local spots to dance in the evenings. Dancing is one of those "things." It's just primal enough to remind your soul why it's alive, why it moves, why it is so tied in to Earth and the Universe. When I'm not stumbling over my, or my partner's, feet I have this moment of "oh yes, everything is as it should be." Moments like that seem so fleeting in day to day reality. It's something to hold on to.

A Dream is a Wish

2011-01-10T14:16:00.000-08:00

In Mexico there is a new year's tradition in which each person eats twelve grapes at midnight and with each grape makes a wish. This year I didn't make all of my wishes. Aside from three or four vague ideas and concepts I just didn't have anything to ask for.

There are superstitions that say that if you say a wish out loud it won't come true. I disagree. Perhaps it's more that if you DO say it out loud, you really believe that it can happen and you hold true to pursuing it then it really can come to fruition.

January 2011 has been cold and seemingly dark. Winter always feels dark and having a full time job makes it more so--the most sun I see is on my drive to work as it is just bursting through the trees on Grizzly Peak over the tunnel, if it isn't cloudy or foggy. As I drive home it's usually already dark or at the very least the sun has gone down and I can catch the residuals of daylight and another cold dusk. January has this effect on me. It creates this feeling of quiet loneliness, of cold, of a need to barricade myself inside myself.

This year, with the continued economic recession and with my reality being where it is I made a few wishes for myself and for others centered around ideas of financial stability, emotional security, renewed hope and passions towards creativity and for the continued essence of love in everything we do. So much of the world is bleak because we forget to hold on to a positive desired outcome.

Positive thought creates positive action.

Positive expectations garner positive results.

Positive goals foster a positive soul.

It's my intention for 2011 that I can continually remind myself of this and keep myself in a frame of mind that is conducive to creating the change that I wish to see this coming year. It is my hope for all beings that positive energy can lift the cold and dark that seems to be sitting upon the world in this long, long winter. And, it is my hope for you that you achieve and receive all that you set your intentions on for this year.

With Sprinkles

2011-01-01T23:31:00.000-08:00

New Year's Eve was a peaceful experience. Sitting under the San Francisco Centre's beautiful dome looking at the twinkling light strings and snowflakes cascading down we watched the other passing movie-goers stop to take pictures and have quiet conversations. Listening to the last of this season's holiday music while drinking coffee and catching up on the past and dreaming up future possibilities we waited to go in to see the film "Somewhere." The almost empty, closed mall and the tenor of the people passing through solidified a feeling that I hope will continue through the coming year.

After the film my friend and I made our way down to the Embarcadero from the Centre. We gauged the countdown by our phones and may not have caught it at just the second that the new year came upon us, but it did not matter. The new year's first embrace and well wishes were shared and we continued on towards the crowd down by the water. The not-so-distant roar of fireworks filled the sky and we were two blocks out of view as the finale went up--it didn't matter. Rain began to fall as if it had held out just for the festivities. And as it fell the people made their way back to the BART stations. We walked back, hopped the first train and in the car at North Berkeley bart we ate donuts with sprinkles for a good year and began making our twelve wishes with twelve grapes. A perfect end to a long year and a peaceful start to what will be a wonderful one.

Here is to an absolutely calm, positive and love filled 2011.

Among my goals this year are themes of creativity, perseverance and change. I'm looking at it this way: If I concentrate on the things that I find satisfying and if I persevere at making those things the focal point of my time then it will lead me in the right direction. It will help me to become the change I wish to see in my life and it will keep my soul positive and hopeful through the process.